I recently received an email from a wife who was at her wit’s end with her husband’s former mistress. The husband was insisting that he was now committed to the wife and the marriage and they were working very hard to save the marriage. However, the mistress just seemed unwilling to let the husband go. She would drive by the house, continue to call both the wife and husband and hang up, send emails, and send messages on their face book accounts.
They wanted to get rid of this woman once and for all but she didn’t seem to be getting the message. The wife wanted to my advice as to how to get the mistress to back off so that she could get her life back and get to work on saving her marriage. She just wanted to be left alone. I’ll tell you what I told her in the following article.
Telling The Mistress Very Plainly To Back Off And Then Not Responding To Her Again: It’s not always the case, but sometimes the mistress hangs on because the husband has not made himself crystal clear. Of course, he will tell the wife that he’s been very direct. But, the mistress might see things a bit differently. She may take little nuggets of what your husband is saying and turn them around so that they are saying exactly what she wants him to say.
In this case, it’s best to make sure that the husband is very clear in one last message. I often advise that the wife listens in on the phone call, which should be very short. Basically, I felt that the husband should pick up the next time the mistress called and tell her that she was not to contact, follow, drive by, or attempt to engage either him or his wife. If the mistress tried to interrupt, the husband was just to respond that if she continued on, they would have to take legal action and that this was the last time the two of them would communicate. The husband was then to hang up and to not engage with her no matter what.
Once The Message Has Been Delivered, Refuse To Engage With The Mistress: Sometimes, this firm message won’t be enough to get the mistress to back off. She will often try to test this to see if the husband really meant what he said. But here’s the thing, the more you engage with her and the more she makes you angry and frustrated, the more she thinks that she has won. Her whole goal is to make you and your husband place your focus on her rather than each other. Do not let her do this.
Block her number and her texts on your phone. Block her email. Tell your provider that she is spam. Ignore her completely if you can. Pretend that she doesn’t exist. Every time you respond to her and engage her, she just makes this process go on for much longer than it should. Eventually, she will get the message that you have moved on and that you have left no place for her in your life. She will usually eventually turn her attention elsewhere since she is no longer getting the pay off that she feeds off of.
Leave Any Actions That Are Necessary To The Professionals: Never fight with the mistress. Never allow her to bait you into an altercation. I’ve had readers who have had no choice but to send the mistress a certified letter and to tell her that if she continues on, they will get a restraining order. (You want this in writing so you have a paper trail that you have done nothing wrong and have tried to address this.)
Whatever you do, don’t stoop down to her level. Don’t let her win. If she just will not stop, you may have to involve the authorities. That is their job. Let them do it. But, the more that you allow for her to carry on like this, the more she feeds on the process. Her greatest fear is that the two of you move on together and have no place for her in your life anymore. Her “not backing off” is her attempt to weasel her way back in.
But you have control over how you react to her. The best course of action is often to make your position (and your husband’s) crystal clear and then to pull out of the game knowing that she will eventually get the message. If she doesn’t, then leave this to the professionals. Do not try to deal with her yourself. The less you allow her into your life, the better off you are.
I know that even contemplating your husband’s mistress is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/